ChooChooChaCha

I have cut myself today.
It has been so long that the last cut is now a scar.
I wasn't expecting that I would do this again after three years.
But somehow, I wondered today.
I wondered with sadness filled in my heart and my thoughts.

What does it feel like to put a blade on your skin?

I wouldn't do it if it weren't for what happened today.
I have admitted my mistake wholeheartedly.
You don't need to repeat it over and over and over again in front of everyone.
In fact, you even called me names.
I just put a smile on my face for everyone to see.

What would the skin look like while it's being cut?

I didn't care if my battery is dead even if I'm still in public.
I think it's better that way.
I don't have to interact with people.
A lot of thoughts were on my mind.
I was about to throw my phone out of frustration.

Where did I keep my cutter?

Good thing there was no one when I arrived home.
I decided to eat my dinner first before doing it.
Oh, it's kind of exciting just by the thought it.
The thought of inflicting pain on myself again.
I feel kind of alive.

Why is it not here?

My old pal was gone.
I remembered I disposed it before when I was cleaning my room.
I promised myseld I won't be doing this again.
But, there's something in my old journal.
My very first buddy.

Would it still feel the same way?

I put it against my skin.
It's small but it can do.
In fact, he was my first anyway.
I know he can do it.
I just have to.

Why is it not opening up?

I decided to stroke the same spot.
Over and over and over and over.
It has to be deep in order to leave a scar.
A reminder of this day.
A remembrance.

Finally.

I am mad at myself for doing this.
Why am I like this?
Thinking back to what happened earlier still makes me agitated.
I have to face you again tomorrow.
I don't want to but what choice do I have.

Choice is an illusion.